During a session on Thursday, one of my clients was talking about his feeling that he had “arrived” in his profession. In his mid-30s, he’s well-established now in a competitive field, earning an excellent income and finding himself respected and sought-after as an expert. As I listened to him, I recognized that I had never […]
On Success and Having Arrived Read More »
About 30 years ago during analytic training, my good friend Tom Grant was describing a difficult case in seminar — a man in his mid-30s whom Tom had already been treating for quite some time. Tom’s client came from a severely dysfunctional background that had restricted his ability to feel for and depend upon other
Early in my career, when clients would talk about intense forms of self-criticism or self-loathing, I used to make interpretations that focused on the savage and perfectionistic superego. Over time, I’d help them develop the mental ability to withstand this savagery and protect themselves from it. Later, as I described in this earlier post, I
Shyness and Self-Hatred Read More »
Several readers responding to my recent post about a client who felt invisible have asked me to discuss the opposite experience — the person who fears being seen and desperately wants to remain invisible. It’s a very different issue, with roots in profound shame.
The Client Who Wants to Remain Invisible Read More »
I’ve always struggled with the term attachment, used in my profession to denote the relationship that is supposed to develop between mother and infant during the earliest months of life. I may be too concrete, but it makes me think of those poor monkeys in Harlow’s experiment, clinging to that cloth-covered metal skeleton; it seems
The Invisible Child Read More »
I’m just about ready to deliver a draft of my book on defenses to the other members of my writer’s group; as part of the final revisions, I’ve been attempting to clarify my ideas about shame as they’re so central to the work I do; the text below is adapted from a chapter about defenses
What I Mean When I Use the Word Shame Read More »
A discussion of Allan Schore’s video lecture on the neuro-psychology of attachment, and how failures of attunement between mother and child permanently alter the development of the infant’s brain.
Attachment Theory and the Origins of Shame Read More »
We often think of precocity as a gift and associate it with genius; but for many people, when things come too easily for them early in their lives, they may feel impatient when truly challenged, unable to bear the frustration and face the hard work needed for success in any meaningful endeavor.
Precocity and Impatience Read More »
Idealizing their baby helps parents cope with the difficulties and deprivations of parenting; more importantly, it conveys a sense of its own “beauty” to the infant, planting the seeds from which authentic self-esteem will later develop.
Idealizing Your Baby Read More »
Extreme self-conscious and performance anxiety (or stage fright) involve the projection of your internal critic into an external audience of observers, each one of them as critical as you are.
Self-Consciousness and Performance Anxiety Read More »