I don’t usually relate to the trending topics on Twitter — often about celebrities I don’t know and TV shows I’ve never watched — but earlier this week I noticed that #WhatHurtstheMost was a popular hashtag for the day. Out of curiousity, I searched the term on Twitter and read through a hundred or so […]
What Hurts the Most Read More »
When people enter psychotherapy, even if they’re desperate and deeply in need, they don’t fully reveal themselves in the early phases of treatment. As in any relationship, it takes time to develop enough trust so you feel safe making yourself vulnerable. A prudent reserve makes sense: how can you be sure the stranger sitting in
Keeping Secrets from Your Therapist Read More »
Sunday’s New York Times ran an interesting article about the end of traditional dating in the so-called millennial generation. It confirmed what I’ve been hearing from my younger clients for some time now — that men and women in their early twenties tend to socialize in groups and engage in a lot of casual sex.
Shame and Indifference in the Hookup Era Read More »
Early in my career, when clients would talk about intense forms of self-criticism or self-loathing, I used to make interpretations that focused on the savage and perfectionistic superego. Over time, I’d help them develop the mental ability to withstand this savagery and protect themselves from it. Later, as I described in this earlier post, I
Shyness and Self-Hatred Read More »
Like many of my clients, I have certain intrusive memories — some of them going back more than 40 years — that carry with them the sting of shame. It’s no longer a frequent experience for me, but when one of them pops into my mind, I have a very distinct physical reaction. I close
Cringing Shame Memories Read More »
Because I write so much about the topic of shame on my website, I’m often asked if I’m familiar with the work of Brené Brown, the noted shame researcher from the University of Houston. I’ve known about Dr. Brown for quite some time now and have watched both of her TED Talk videos several times,
Brené Brown’s “Daring Greatly” and the Anti-Shame Zeitgeist Read More »
Twice within the last six months, I’ve heard the 18-year-old son of friends use the expression “put to shame.” The first time, he told me that Lea Michele’s rendition (Glee) of “Don’t Rain on My Parade” put Barbra Streisand’s version to shame (I beg to differ). More recently, he told me that a certain designer’s
Snobbery and Pretentiousness Read More »
Several readers responding to my recent post about a client who felt invisible have asked me to discuss the opposite experience — the person who fears being seen and desperately wants to remain invisible. It’s a very different issue, with roots in profound shame.
The Client Who Wants to Remain Invisible Read More »
In recent weeks, both within my practice and through emails from site visitors (all women), I’ve heard about several men who have tried to destroy the reputation of their ex-wives with a ruthless and quite thorough assault on their public characters. These men have told lies to friends and family members, attempted to blackmail their
The Vindictive Narcissist Read More »
I’m just about ready to deliver a draft of my book on defenses to the other members of my writer’s group; as part of the final revisions, I’ve been attempting to clarify my ideas about shame as they’re so central to the work I do; the text below is adapted from a chapter about defenses
What I Mean When I Use the Word Shame Read More »