The Difference Between Anger and Hatred

In preparation for my appearance later today on Sandy Weiner’s BlogTalkRadio program Courageous Conversations, I’ve been thinking about anger and hatred. Sandy and I will be discussing how to cope with the eruption of hatred in our intimate relationships and I needed to clarify how hatred differs from anger.

We can distinguish between anger and hatred in two ways: intensity and duration. It helps to think of them as occurring along a spectrum. Anger might be triggered when a loved one does something that frustrates us. It tends to come and go and doesn’t crowd out all our other feelings for that person. We can often voice it in ways that aren’t hurtful. Hatred lasts longer and is more pervasive. It tends to overwhelm us and obscure everything else we might feel. It makes us want to take action, to hurt or destroy whatever inspires the hatred.

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Brené Brown’s “Daring Greatly” and the Anti-Shame Zeitgeist

Because I write so much about the topic of shame on my website, I’m often asked if I’m familiar with the work of Brené Brown, the noted shame researcher from the University of Houston. I’ve known about Dr. Brown for quite some time now and have watched both of her TED Talk videos several times, but until recently, I hadn’t read any of her books. With the release of Daring Greatly and its climb up the bestseller lists, I decided it was time I acquainted myself more deeply with her work, especially as I’ve begun the background research for my book on shame in earnest.

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This Therapist Needs Your Help

One of my Skype clients was recently searching for an in-person therapist to see her husband and decided to ask for a referral from an eminent professional in the city where she lives. With an international reputation, this man has authored several books and is frequently invited to speak at conferences all over the world. Not long after she left a voice message indicating that she’d like him to suggest a referral, he returned her call and offered himself as a candidate. Because she had assumed (given his reputation) that he’d have a full practice, his offer took her by surprise. She felt (and I also felt) that those openings in his practice didn’t reflect well on his skills as a therapist.

After the session in which she and I discussed the referral, I thought differently about it. I recognized my underlying belief, one I suspect is shared by many of my colleagues: in order to appear successful as a therapist (and in many other professions), you cannot appear needy. Back in Los Angeles, my colleagues and I taught classes and supervised interns and gave papers in order to build our practices, but rarely asked directly for referrals. You must put yourself forward as a competent authority, hoping that other people will see you as such and then send referrals your way. Or you buy private supervision from one of the rainmakers in the field, often for years, until they eventually decide to feed you new clients (the president of my institute once privately described it to me as “indentured servitude”). You do all these things to get the clients you need in order to sustain a practice but you’re not supposed to ask for them.

The eminent therapist who asked my client to consider him as a candidate thus looked too needy. In this warped view of mine, expressing need disqualified him as a therapist. In order to get what you need, you have to appear not to need it. Is that crazy? I’m embarrassed that I still hold this view on some level. It feels like a kind of hypocrisy: the people who come to me for therapy often feel ashamed of their own needs, feeling as if they must hide their neediness or be rejected; I always try to help them acknowledge those needs and feel brave enough to ask for what they need in their relationships. Do as I say, not as I do. Tsk tsk tsk.

I feel some embarrassment even now because I need your help, but I’m going to ask for it anyway. As you know, my book Why Do I Do That? will be released later this month — on October 29th, to be precise. Because I withdrew from my contract with New Harbinger Publications, electing to release the book on my own, I don’t have a publicity department behind me; I must take charge of all the promotion myself. I’ll be doing my best to promote awareness through press releases and scheduling interviews, but the greatest potential for making this book a success lies with you, the regular readers of my posts. I’m asking for your support at this critical time.

As you may know, I’ve been writing this website for just about two years now. As of today, I’ve written 168 posts averaging 500-1000 words in length; there are over 5,100 comments on the site, almost half of them mine because I try to answer nearly every reader who submits one. In addition, I’ve received hundreds of private emails from people asking for advice and I’ve answered every one of them. I don’t charge for answering a comment or replying to an email, nor do I accept advertising on my site. After Psychotherapy has been a pro bono labor of love and I plan to go on with this non-paying venture; my efforts are more than repaid by the gratification I derive from writing and sharing my ideas, and from the gratitude of the people I reach.

I’d like to make some money off of my book, of course, but even more, I want it to be successful. I’ve been writing since I was 12, and the publication of this book is a very big deal for me. If it does well enough, I may get the attention of a more mainstream publisher and have the opportunity to reach a larger audience. I’ve so enjoyed having total artistic control over my book that I’m not sure I still want to go that route, but at least I’d like to have the option. My research tells me that I need to rank well on Amazon, and that becoming an “Amazon bestseller” for even one day is important. In order to do, that I’ll need your help.

Here’s what you can do:

1. Buy a copy of the book from Amazon, preferably on October 29th. The trade paperback version (242 pages) costs $14.95 and the eBook $8.95. Ask yourself whether the time you’ve spent here and the posts you’ve read have given you insight or enjoyment worth 15 dollars. It’s your chance to give something back to me and I need it. I’ll also be very grateful!

2. Let other people know about it. Tell friends and put something about it on your Facebook status. Word of mouth is everything.

3. After you read the book, write a review on Amazon and/or one of the other book review sites like Hopefully it will be a positive review: the number of good reviews a book receives correlates well with sales. Some time during November, I’ll make both the print and digital versions available on Barnes & Noble, the eBook only on iTunes.

If any of you have your own websites and would be willing to review the book, please write and let me know (; I’ll send you an advance digital copy. I’d like to coordinate a number of reviews or mentions right around the time the book comes out. Or if you know someone else who might be interested in reviewing it, please let me know. Finally, if you have any suggestions for other ways to promote the book, please do not hesitate to tell me.

Thanks for your help!

Oh … and here’s the cover

Envy and Competitiveness

Early in the summer of 2011, not long after we arrived in Colorado, I received an email from our good friends in Los Angeles who also own a cabin down the road from us. They had offered the use of their cabin for one week to the rector of their church, All Saint’s in Pasadena, who would be using it as a retreat while he worked on his book; they wondered if we could “keep an eye out” for him in case he needed anything during his visit, and asked if they could give him our telephone number. I’d do anything for these friends, to begin with, and the fact that this visitor was a writer made me all the more willing to help.

According to my friends, the Rev. Ed Bacon had appeared on The Oprah Show, as well as on her radio program, and apparently she suggested on air that he write a book. This aroused the interest of literary agents and led to a bidding war for his book proposal, along with a “significant” advance. Even before I met Ed Bacon, I felt envious. I’ve been writing since I was 12 and for most of my life have wanted nothing more than to be in his position. I had launched my website seven months earlier and was struggling to find my way as a blogger; I’d also begun a non-fiction book in the self-help genre and would soon be attempting to interest a publisher in acquiring it. I knew that the prospect of a “significant” advance for a relative unknown like me was highly unlikely.

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Listening to Pain

Early in my practice, a client said something that has stuck with me for the last 30 years. A trained dancer, she told me she avoided taking pain relievers because, in her view, pain was her body’s way of providing important information to her and she needed to “listen”. Although you’ll sometimes hear medical and body-work experts echo this view today, when you move from physical to psychological pain, it’s rarely mentioned. The idea that one needs to “listen” to one’s emotional pain gets short shrift, especially if that pain has been labeled depression, anxiety or an eating disorder. In the current mental health profession, dominated by cognitive-behavioral therapy and psychiatric medication, pain is something to be removed or eliminated. Take this drug. Try this CBT technique.

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